The past couple of weeks have been rough. I'm not sure what happened, but somewhere along the way I lost focus. And it's been really, really hard to find it again.
I thought I had my eating under control. Maybe I got cocky. And I was exercising regularly, so when I did go off track a little bit it didn't seem like the end of the world. We had a weekend when I knew it was going to be difficult to find healthy food because we were going to be away from home a lot. I knew it was going to be challenging, but I thought, "I just feel like taking some time off from this whole diet and exercise routine." Big mistake.
I've said to myself all along that I've come too far to go back to where I was. I've worked too hard to lose almost 30 pounds to throw it all away. I know these things, and that still did not stop me from making some really, really bad food choices. And once I started, it became so hard to stop. I was feeding my body junk - high calorie, high fat food, with hardly any nutritional value. I was going right back to my old eating patterns of just eating for taste gratification, and I was seeing that old habits die hard. I was also falling for that lie that if I've already ruined my diet for today I might as well continue to eat junk for the rest of the day and start again tomorrow. My inner fat chick is still there, I'm sad to say.
None of this really took me by surprise. I like food. I love to cook and bake. I have a hard time saying no to a burger and fries. Oh, did I mention it's my birthday month and Red Robin gave me a birthday burger AND a free desert?! Yeah, right there's probably when I took a flying leap off the wagon. What shocked me was when I tried to go for a bike ride about 10 days in to my binge-fest and yawned through the whole thing. I kid you not, at mile 5 I contemplated calling my husband to come pick me up because my energy had totally bottomed out. I was so exhausted - I wasn't sleeping well at all. I was tired and wide awake at all the wrong times. I was pumping my body full of junk instead of fueling it with good, healthy, wholesome food. And my body was beginning to protest! It surprised me because I've spent the last few months feeling alive and full of energy. I spend the day with a 2 year old and a 5 year old, and I've still had the energy to fit in a workout after they're in bed. But all the sudden, I felt like a slug.
I'd like to think that was my wake-up call, but it really wasn't. I knew things had gotten bad, but for some reason I couldn't find the motivation to make a change and recommit to healthy living. The scale was scaring me - I gained almost 5 pounds in two weeks. I work my butt off in the hopes of losing 2 pounds a week (on a good week), and somehow my eating and non-exercising landed me a 5 pound gain that fast. I was incredibly disappointed in myself, embarrassed, and sad. The jean shorts that I had just purchased a couple weeks before were feeling snug, so I reached for my size 16 capris and THAT was my moment. I slipped them on, and they almost fell right back off. I walked in to the livingroom and showed my husband the big gaps around the waist. He said they looked really sloppy, even if I was just running to the grocery store. HA! But that was what I needed. The realization that this was how far I had come. These capris were once snug on me and I refused to buy a bigger size, so I squeezed myself in to them. And if I didn't wake up and get back on track, I was destined to be wearing them again! Umm, excuse me for a sec, but hell no! I refuse to go back there!
So how many times have I recommitted myself to eating healthy and exercising? Well, every day. That has to be the answer. I have goals to achieve. I have a life to live, and I want to enjoy it, not spend it worrying about how my body looks and feels. I realized the other day that I've been overweight for almost 10 years now. I have not been my ideal weight since I was 18 years old. I've spent the last 10 years of my life uncomfortable with my body. 10 years feeling exhausted and out of shape. That's too long. I don't want to waste any more of my life feeling this way. I don't have time to be exhausted. And I need to invest in my body NOW so I still have one to live with in the future.
Each morning when I wake up, I have to start by making a conscious commitment to myself to live healthy. And I'm taking it one choice at a time. I've got a few days under my belt now, and I'm starting to see the scale go back down slowly. It sure goes on a lot easier than it comes off!
Anyway, thanks for hanging in there with me. Thanks to the friends and family that continue to provide encouragement. I hope to be back next week with Transformation Thursday. Until then, make healthy choices friends!
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